Lina Kashyap                                                                    Marriage Counselling
                                      Marriage Counselling
                                      LINA KASHYAP
                                      This article first provides a feminist understanding of the marriage scenario in India
                                      and the sociocultural nature of problems faced by Indian couples using the ecological
                                      systems and power relations frameworks. It then describes an empowerment
                                      based-practice, which is built on a synthesis of structural and individual perspectives
                                      which includes couple counselling for relationship and psychosexual difficulties,
                                      interventions with the third force and interventions with couples and their children. The
                                      article also contains a lesson plan on this topic and includes learner objectives,
                                      session plan, teaching and assessment methodologies.
                                      Prof. Lina Kashyap is Deputy Director, Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai.
                                                                                  I
                                      INTRODUCTION
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                                      Marriage counselling, like other family-centred interventions, has to be em
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                                      bedded in the sociocultural, economic and political milieu in which it is of
                                      fered. In the Western conception of marriage, it is assumed that the marital
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                                      partners are adult independent persons who hold clear-cut roles in the mar
                                      riage,haveacoupleidentity,andthefamilyunitislargelynuclearinstructure.
                                      Marital conflict is viewed as a manifestation of pathology among its partners
                                      (Strean, 1985) or as a result of dysfunctional communication (Satir,1983).
                                      TheemphasisinmarriagecounsellingintheWestismoreintheareasofmate
                                      selection, communication and decision making in marriage, handling sexual
                                      problems, and working out parenting as a joint responsibility.
                                         Therealities in the Indian situation are very different. In India, marriage
                                      takes place between two families rather than two individuals. The partners
                                      are often very young in age and/or emotionally immature. The family unit is
                                      extendedinspirit if not in composition and this has a major influence on the
                                      quality of the marital relationship. Additionally, in the Indian situation, very
                                      often, the marital conflict between the couple is instigated and complicated
                                      by a third party’s involvement in the relationship, which is generally more
                                      destructive rather than facilitative. The influence of this ‘Third Force’ has to
                                      be taken cognisance of and dealt with in marriage counselling.
                               254  Lina Kashyap
                                 Therefore, to begin with, marriage counselling in India has to be based
                               onanunderstandingofthesocialconstructionofmarriageinIndiansociety
                               andthestatusandrolesofthemaritalsub-systemwithinthefamilysystem
                               as these have implications for the couple’s adjustment to each other and to
                               the family system. Marriage counselling in India has also to be wider in
                               scope and has to take a holistic approach. Firstly, the marital relationship
                               cannotbetreatedasaunitoutsidethefamilyandcommunitysystems.Sec-
                               ondly,marriagecounsellinginIndiahastotakecognisanceofthesystemic
                               nature of difficulties faced by the couple, the power equations between the
                               maritaldyadandtheroleofpatriarchyincouplerelations.Thirdly,ithasto
                               recognisethepossibleadverseinfluenceofthethirdforceonthecouplere
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                               lationship.
                               MARRIAGE,MARITALADJUSTMENTANDMARITALDISCORD
                               IN THEINDIANCONTEXT
                               Aconceptual understanding of the marriage scenario is sought to be pro-
                               vided through the ‘Pinch-Crunch Model’ (Figure 1) adapted by the author
                               from RELATE(UK).Thediscussion of the various aspects of the figure is
                               substantiated by a review of relevant research studies and through a critical
                               analysisofthesystemicnatureofcoupledifficultiesandthepowerdynamics
                               within the couple relationship using the feminist perspective.
                                 As shown in Figure 1, most Indian marriages are arranged by parents
                               and members of the kinship group with religion, class and caste positions
                               being important considerations. Today, although patterns of partner selec-
                               tionvaryintermsoftheextentofchoicegiventotheyoungmanorwoman,
                               family approval is still essential for the marriage to take place. A marriage
                               is expected to fulfil the patriarchal family’s needs and ensure family cohe-
                               sion which takes precedence over individual compatibility and individual
                               fulfilment. In present day marriages, the relationship is more congenial in
                               nature. Nevertheless, young couples today are grappling with balancing
                               traditional beliefs and practices with modern concepts and values.
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                                 Most couples in India start their married life in the house of the hus
                               band’s parents. As most marriages are arranged, the couple has to move
                               from commitment to the marriage to commitment to the marital relation-
                               ship. This also means that the couple has to shift their primary relationship
                               from parents or family of orientation to their marital relationship. Each
                               partner brings into their marriage their conceptual image about their ideal
                               partner, expectations from the marriage, expectations from each other, as
                                         Marriage Counselling 255
                wellasexpectationstheirpartner’sfamilyoforientation(BhattiandJuvva,
                1997). In fact, the spouses have to learn to strike a balance between the
                marital unit and relations with the parental unit. In the process, the couple
                has to negotiate expectations, roles and patterns of behaviour not only be-
                tween themselves, but also individually and together with both the family
                units. The nature of expectations varies according to the educational back-
                ground and socioeconomic status of the partners. Similarly, expectations
                from marriage and the partner’s family of orientation also vary as per the
                educational achievement and the socioeconomic status of the spouses. But
                such expectations are always there in each and every marriage by every
                partner in all strata of society (Bhatti, 2003).
                 In India, the marital partners are influenced by gender-based tradi-
                tional values and norms in their perception and practice of marital roles.
                These roles are culturally bound, but shaped by the individual family to
                someextent, in accordance to its socioeconomic status. Each spouse has
                two sets of roles towards both families — the family of orientation and
                the family of procreation. These sets of role expectations from both these
                families influence the spouses even when they are away from the family
                of orientation. In the patriarchal family system, the carrying over of the
                culture of the husband’s family of orientation is primary, but not that of
                thewife.Amanaftermarriagemaycontinuetoplayrolesexpectedbyhis
                family of orientation but it is not culturally accepted if the wife plays
                roles expected by her family of orientation, once she is married. More-
                overthewifeisexpectedtoadheretothetraditionalstandardsofhermar-
                ital family, rejecting those of her familyoforientation(Channabasavanna
                and Bhatti, 1985).
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                 In the patrilocal family system, it is the new bride who enters the hus
                band’sfamilyasanewmember.She,therefore,hastomakeadjustmentsto
                meettheneedsandexpectationsofnotonlyherspousebutalsothoseofhis
                relatives. Her status is clearly viewed as inferior and subordinate to that of
                her husband. One of the basic realities of Indian marriages is the unequal
                status roles of the spouses in marriage and the relative importance of the
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                twofamiliesoforientation.Thesystemofmarriage,themannerofnegotia
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                tion, the paymentofdowryandtheritesofmarriage,setsthesealonthein
                equality of marital relations. Ramu (1988) and Jain and Dave (1982), who
                studied roles and power in conjugal relationships. have noted that majority
                of husbands wanted to be seen as decision makers and wives helped them
                to maintain such an image.
                               256  Lina Kashyap
                                 Research studies have indicated the following factors as influencing
                               maritaladjustment:personalitycharacteristics,sexualrelationships,extent
                               of verbal communication between the spouses, and certain demographic
                               characteristics such as age difference between the spouses, their educa-
                               tional level, occupation, women’s employment, socioeconomic back-
                               ground,andnumberofchildren(Bhattacharya,2000;Bhatti,2003;Kapur,
                               1972;KumarandRohatgi,1986;MohanandSingh,1985;Srivastav,Singh
                               and Nigam, 1988).
                                 AsseeninFigure1,ifthecoupleisabletocopewiththestressbrought
                               onbyvariouskindsofadjustmentstheyhavetomake,theyarethenableto
                               achievesomestabilityintherelationshipandareabletocommitnotonlyto
                               the marriage but also to the relationship. However, if the couple is not able
                               tocopewiththeadjustments,theyexperiencethe‘pinch’leadingtomarital
                               discord.
                                 SomeoftheproblemsinmarriagefacedbyIndiancouplesaresimilarto
                               those faced by couples anywhere in the world, such as alcoholism or drug
                               abuse by spouse, infidelity, desertion, verbal, physical or sexual abuse of
                               spouse and sexual incompatibility. However, some of the distinctive fac-
                               tors that impinge on Indian marriages are more socioculturally based and
                               linked to expectations from the partner’s family of procreation, such as
                               childlessness or no sons (Chaudhary, 1988; Kawale, 1985; Pothen, 1986);
                               dowry demands by in-laws (Bhattacharya, 2000; Ghadially and Kumar,
                               1988; Parihar, 1990); and interference by immediate and extended family
                               memberswhoexertpowerandcontroloverthecoupleasaunitorindividu-
                               ally on the husband or wife in a manner which is destructive to the marital
                               relationship (Bhat and Surti, 1979; Ghadially and Kumar, 1988; Kashyap,
                               2000).
                                 Traditionally, appropriate ways of handling marital relationships and
                               problems were undertaken by elders in the family, doctors, lawyers and
                               priests. Compromise, adjustment, family honour were the key words used
                               which were basically aimed at maintaining and strengthening the family
                               bond through the maintenance of the dominance–submissive relationship
                               withinthecoupledyad.Insuchsituations,thecoupleattemptedtoreturnto
                               the earlier status quo and some renegotiation of expectations and roles.
                               Given the unequal status roles of the spouses in marriage, it is usually the
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                               less powerful one, the wife, who is required to make the adjustments re
                               quiredtopreservetherelationship.Professionalcounsellingmaybesought
                               at this stage — almost as a last resort — when everybody has tried